Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Twilight: Eclipse

Out of three Twilight movies I've watched, Eclipse is the hardest to mock.  Twilight was just a clunky, bad movie which lent itself to the mockery.  New Moon started the insane love triangle and introduced the insanity that is the Twilight universe.

Eclipse?  It's really New Moon, repackaged with Edward in the Jacob role from New Moon.  Which means a large chunk of the movie is the love "triangle".  But it's not really a triangle when the series spent two movies (that's four hours of your life) telling you that Bella and Edward are meant to be together, and that they want this to happen.  So it's more of a love "straight line" with a spare point floating off to the side that occasionally rams itself into the line for dramatic effect.  Every time the point gets too far away, the Bella point will act like there's a chance for a triangle to form, but that's mostly due to her enjoying seeing the point smash into the solid line that is the Bella-Edward Iron Line of True Love Between a 109 year old and a 17 year old.

Bella also likes to talk to Jacob's chest.

Bella, making frat guys proud.

This is actually a Kristen Stewart 'acting' thing.  She does it to someone in the trailer for The Huntsman and Ryan Reynolds pecs get an eyeful in Adventureland.

Eclipse is also where the films get tired of the whole "making sense of vampires, magic, and other weird stuff."  Things that have changed:

  • Edward is no longer sickened/attracted to Bella's blood.  Why?  Because he thought she was dead for 24 hours.  This might be how Atkins worked, I never tried it.
  • You can hide from Alice's see the future ability.  By literally hiding behind someone else.  
  • Vampires are suddenly made of ceramic and shatter like statues when hit hard enough/or cool enough.  They didn't do this in the previous movies, which makes me think that Blade and Whistler introduced some sort of disease into the vampire population.
A crossover that would make millions
  • Vampire fashion changed so that they now douse themselves in lighter fluid.  In the first Twilight, they made a huge production out of building a fire to burn James's body.  In Eclipse, Edward drops a lighter on Victoria and suddenly she's performing at Burning Man.

The Cullens seem to have modeled their non-heroic stances after Bella.  They're supposedly responsible for Seattle, and they make mention about a lot of vampire activity going on over there in the big city.  After roughly 9 months of hearing about it, they decide to go investigate.  

So sad.  Too bad all humans can't be Bella.

Luckily the Cullens are saved the inconvenience of the 3 1/2 hour drive by the news that the vampire army has decided to walk to Forks.  Underwater.  If you Bing the route and choose 'walking' for your mode of transit, it tells you it'll take roughly 41 hours and that the route may not contain sidewalks or pedestrian paths.  I'm guessing Riley the vampire did not Bing it. 

Great, now we have to douse ourselves in lighter fluid again.

Finally, at the very end, after all of the fledgling super vampires are dead, Bella lets us know that she wants to be a vampire because she'd never felt accepted and herself until she started to hang out with vampires who are willing to kill and die for you.  This is like that person you know informing you that they only feel 'right' and 'accepted' among the super rich, so they go find some rich person to marry.  Yup, that's who we're rooting for here.

Oh, and she beats Victoria by cutting herself.  Sadly, this is more than she's done to save herself in the last two films.

Up next:  Breaking Dawn: Part 1.  I assume that she tells Jacob that she might marry him instead of Edward, so he should probably show up for the wedding.  Just for the look on his face.


No comments: